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The White Queen and magic penises.


I’m only one episode in, but I kinda love The White Queen. It’s the latest series on Starz and it is ‘historical’ fiction. You know, kinda historically accurate but they don’t use it as a text book in schools. Based on Phillipa Gregory’s books of the series, The Cousin Wars,  it promises heaving bosoms, deception and plenty of sex. Apparently.

I love Ms. Gregory’s books! They are titillating, engaging, and fascinating. I usually read one cover to cover pretty quickly. I haven’t read this one. But based on Starz’ portrayal, I think I will. I love steamy drama of the middle ages when thrones were over thrown and battles fought, on the field and (lowers voice) in the bedroom.

If you’re interested, the story goes- the war of the roses between the Yorks and the Lancasters wages on. Two houses divided but then joined (sort of), when, what’s this? The widow of the House of Kent whose husband was killed by the Lancaster Edward, who took the throne, marries this guy! Say what? Yeah, the woman marries the guy that killed her husband. But hey, this is the middle ages and cute guys were on short supply and she needed to keep her land and stuff, so I guess it all works out. If it sounds confusing, it is. It’s amazing England figured this all out!

Apparently, they Elizabeth (the widow) and Edward (the husband murderer) were hot for each other from the get-go. King Edward comes riding by with his men, to Elizabeth’s house (that’s the York) and the next minute he’s walking in the gardens with her and they are this close to getting it on in the primrose bushes.

Life happens fast in jolly old England and pretty soon they are having a secret wedding ceremony in a little chapel and running to a hunter’s cottage to have consummate the union. It takes only a few seconds to take off the yards and yards of brocade and then Edward gently caresses her boob. Wait does he? Or did I just imagine that?

And then, this is where the magic happens. He mounts on top of her, and low and behold, she starts making sounds of satisfaction and then hot diggity dog, faster than you can say, “Corset strings” they simultaneously reach climax and lie in a satisfied heap together. Whoa. How cool is that? His penis has to be magic to provide so much instant satisfaction. Don’t you think?

Of course for the sake of the story, we don’t need their entire sexual episode. Producers need to keep the story moving. 1 minute, maybe 2, tops, to focus on some ‘sexual situations’ that the ratings board approves. It’s not porn folks. It’s not like they are going to show an entire 20 minutes of tantric love making, I get that. But the magic of Hollywood is very deceptive. Very deceptive.

Some thoughts I had while watching the beautiful Elizabeth (I think the actress wears a wig) and the sweet handsome Edward, of which the actor gets goosebumps on his butt cheeks during sex scenes. Yeah- the HD on this show is  THAT good.

Movie sex doesn’t require lube, toys or time for that matter. How great to just get on the bed and get ‘er done. Forget foreplay.

Everyone is primed and ready to go, reaching climax in 3…2…1. Isn’t that awesome?

Those rooms are always warm and cozy, but just cool enough to get the girls’ headlights at attention. Everyone has really long, beautiful blond hair that doesn’t get tangled up or in the way, or in the guys mouth. It’s always done missionary style (except Game of Thrones), there’s plenty of candles that someone else had to light. The dog isn’t on the bed watching.The man’s sexy scruff doesn’t scratch the hell out of the woman’s delicate complexion. They cuddle so nicely in bed afterwards, the woman never having to use the restroom to prevent a UTI.

Nobody has gas.

I know, I know- it’s a show people! It’s not real! But, why does a woman’s satisfaction have to take so long? Why are we like the console of a Boeing dream liner, trying to figure out what button to push?

Why can’t the costume department of this show put the men in TIGHTER PANTS? Why must the women wear so much gauzy cotton? Does everyone from that time period have such perfect complexions? I want to know!

I can’t decide if I want this post to be about the fact that movie sex has ruined it for us women, because so many men think they have magic penises that will get the job done in 45 seconds tops. OR, that I wish movie sex was real life sex and things were good to go in 2 minutes flat.

Because then I would have more time for watching more episodes of The White Queen.




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  1. Christopher Tipper says:


    I thought you were going to go a different direction with this. LIke the fact it seems half the positions shown on premium cable require a male member in excess of 24 inches in length, or being attached to the male body in a different location than I’m familiar with, or the female being provided with a different vagina location than I’m familiar with. Or all three.

    And, you completely glossed over the fact that even royalty bathed maybe 3 times in their life time. I’m sorry. I cannot imagine (at least I hope I can’t) the grossness of the nether regions of all parties concerned. Yuk!


  2. I have tried to move on with my day after reading this. I really, really have. But nope. No matter what I’m thinking, my brain and it’s severe case of Tourette’s keeps inserting the words “magic penis” into everything. Oreos? Magic Penis. Lease Agreement? Magic Penis. Financial Pro Formas? Magic Penis. So thanks. 😉

  3. While I personally also wish that sex brought me to such heights of pleasure so quickly and easily, I’m also a bit glad it’s not really like that. Fecundity, sister. Elizabeth had, like, 15 kids. No thank you! lol. i’ve been watching this recently too. Feel so bad for poor sweet easily led Richard to be married to that harpy.

    I posted a slightly girly thing yesterday, and since you’re the girlie product haul reviewer I’d love your take on it. Check it out if you have a chance! 🙂

    • Ooh, fecundity! A word I forgot about! Checking out your girly thing post!

      • Outstanding, you’re like my beauty product authority figure these days… Thanks for checking it out Frugie!

        And yes, how that skinny girl maintains that figure after 800 babies in a dozen episodes I don’t know… Better her, I say. 😉

  4. I’m with your brother on this one. Phooey! The only magic in that Victorian era penis would be maybe some penicillin that was cultivated by accident.

    As usual, hilarious.

    PS – I also now feel the need to repeatedly say “magic penis”. May be interesting since I’m about to say goodnight to you and get into bed with my husband – who OBVIOUSLY has a magic penis.

    • OBVIOUSLY. The idea of a moldy penicillin making penis is now stuck in my mind.

    • Christopher Tipper says:


      Victorian era? That would have been a bonus! What Frugie is talking about is 400 years older than that!!

      Double ick


  5. I believe that all of the previous commenters have glossed over the most profound part of the post:

    Nobody has gas.


    Also, nobody gets stuck trying to take off their shirt. Nobody gets a cramp in their hip or foot. None of them get a phone call or text from their mother. No children walk in on them.

    Love this post!

  6. I am dying over here, Bro and Sis, II will never again be able to re-read Palmer, Somerville, Costain, Plaidy, Cronin, Westcott without thoughts of your so good words ….. Cheers, well done

  7. I have thought the same thing! You know it smelled REALLY bad all the time! and the vag prob never was trimmed or cleaned. yuck!

  8. I have no issue with the hubs thinking he can get the job done in 45 seconds tops, whether he actually does or not. Because then I can get back to my Real Housewives and Reese’s, dammit!