Particularly performance art that involves my vagina. Yeah. What is up with the performance artists lately so focused on their vag’s?
First there was the woman who gave birth in a museum. Why not? When I gave birth in the hospital I probably would have had the janitor and the cafeteria lady come through and could have given a rat’s ass who saw my hoo ha.
Then there’s the woman who knit with yarn that she stuffed up her lady canal and used it as a spindle of sorts. She did this for 28 days so she was sure to coat the wool yarn with her menses blood because you know, vaginas are cool and we should celebrate womanhood. Have a happy period. A wooly, happy period.
And THEN, there’s this woman, who squeezed paint filled eggs from her snatchorooni to drop on a canvas all in the name of art. In public. Right in the middle of the city square. Beware these videos are probably not suitable for work. But you knew that anyway.
So I decided to come up with a list of reasons why I would suck at performance art that involved my privates. Here goes.
- My privates are private.
- My vagina has been used for babies’ heads with a circumference of 35 centimeters, a 5 centimeter paint egg would rattle around in there and fall out before I got to the canvas.
- I haven’t been practicing my kegels lately.
- There’s lots of things I think about my vagina, art isn’t one of them.
- I would probably fart.
- I might pee a little.
- What if the fart was more than a fart?
- I get nervous gas when I perform. Hence, see above.
- I throw out finger paint artwork from my kids, why in the hell would I want a vagina painting?
- People might laugh and then I’d feel awkward which might inhibit the performance.
- I have abnormally large labia that would get in the way. (Totally kidding!)
- The lady garden is a little over grown, it might be hard to see the art. (Hmm, not kidding.)