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Dear son- don’t rape anyone

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frugalista blog dear son don't rape

Because I have to say it. I have to make sure I’ve done my part. I know the Boy to be sensitive, sympathetic and trusting. But what if that’s what other moms have said too? Other moms of rapists who date raped a girl at a frat party? Or who just saw a drunk girl passed out at a friend’s house and didn’t see the harm? What if those moms thought it was obvious and they never said anything?

So we need to say it. We need to tell boys that you can not, absolutely, CAN NOT have any kind of sex with a girl if she’s not given consent. Period. Done.

It’s weird that we even have to define the gray area. Oh, but what if you’re drunk too? What if she’s not passed out but sort of inebriated? She’s just tipsy, is that okay? No. It’s not okay. There is no gray area. It’s black and white.

We’re so busy telling girls to go in groups to places, don’t drink too much at a party, watch your drink at all times, wear this nail polish that detects roofies. The list goes on.

But I never hear enough emphasis on telling sons how to behave around girls in a situation that can endanger them. I never hear enough of how young men on college campuses need to look out for their fellow female students. To defend them and protect them.

And also how about this- Attention coaches, teachers and Deans: Stop making fucking excuses for your students, players or valedictorians that assault women!

The story on the Stanford swimmer/almost Olympian dude that sexually assaulted a woman while she was passed out drunk, but only received 6 months sentence because it would ‘destroy his life’ to be in jail longer, has absolutely made me sick to my stomach.

You can read the story here.

And you can read her letter she wrote to her attacker here.

My daughter will be on a college campus in two years. I don’t want to have to worry for her safety. I will worry. But it would be nice to know there’s an effort to change our culture.

According to CNN, 23 percent of women will be raped in college. What. The. Fuck?

We have a rape culture folks. When I’ve written about this before, there was still the perception that if a boy is raised to respect a woman that it goes without saying; he respects his mom and sisters, so clearly he won’t rape a fellow co-ed. If we assume this, why is it still happening? The statistics are staggering. These are smart, well-educated young men. They do well in all aspects of their lives. They are probably very likable among their peers and elders. Yet they have the idea that a drunk girl at a party is okay to mess with. We have a rape culture that supports the perpetrators more than the victim. Because there’s still that inkling in the back of your mind that says, “well, she should have been more careful.” or “Maybe she changed her mind and is now blaming the guy.”

Read that woman’s letter. I don’t think a rape exam is something a girl does for a hobby just to get back at a guy.

Male students- you can’t rob a bank, you can’t hijack a car. Those things are illegal. You know what else is illegal? Having sex with a girl that is passed out. Use your fucking head and get her to safety.

Stop hiding behind your charming good looks, good grades and stellar athletic record to get away with shit like that.

Parents- talk to your sons. I’m talking to mine.



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  1. Well said! There is absolutely a prevailing mindset in our society that if a woman is raped because she is drunk, then she is responsible for that rape happening. Sorry- a drunk or passed out woman does not mean that any man is suddenly allowed to take advantage. Yes- women need to be smart, be aware, try not to put themselves in dangerous situations- that is common sense. But men need take responsibility too- recognize that sex must be CONSENSUAL… No means No, and No Answer- whether because the girl is intimidated, drunk or passed out, is also a NO. Our society must stop protecting rapists because they are athletes, good students or people of prominence! And parents- it is our job to teach our children right from wrong- don’t assume they know- TEACH THEM.