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Stupid Christmas commercials like cars with bows and jewelry on the tree.

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This post originally was published 2 years ago. But I figure it deserves an encore. My feelings haven’t changed.

You know those commercials where the wife goes outside on Christmas morning. It’s snowing, she’s dressed perfectly with makeup on like a Kardashian, and everything, probably wearing a pretty mohair sweater, that’s white, yeah, cuz moms always wear fuzzy, WHITE sweaters, and there sits a new SUV with a big red bow on it. Or the jewelry commercial where the guy is hanging the ring box on the tree and says so smoothly, ‘ OH, what could THIS ornament be?? Why, maybe YOU should open it’.  Gag.

If you find those commercials nauseating too, raise your hand. Thank you.

I’m not sure why those jewelry and car commercials at Christmas time drive me batnuts. Is it because that will never happen to me? Am I jealous? I shouldn’t say never. Maybe one day, James and I will hit pay dirt and he’ll buy me a Mercedes for Christmas and put it in the driveway with a big red bow. And Hugh Jackman will step out of it with a cup of espresso and whisk me away to Australia to be on his Oprah reunion special. I’ll be so happy and grateful, Oprah will ask to be my friend and then Gayle will get jealous and run off with Steadman. Then Oprah will just have to adopt me (and my family) because she’ll be alone and need a friend. We’ll move in to her Chicago mansion with all her dogs and read books and have Dr. Oz over to talk about our bowel movements. It will be so. much. fun.

Instead of ridiculous commercials that only cater to a small, and I mean, small demographic, let’s have a commercial where the husband gives his wife a carpet steam cleaner and an Ov Glove, or a Ped Egg. Her eyes will well up with tears and she’ll offer to do all kinds of ‘favors’ for him. Or maybe he gets her a Victoria’s Secret nightgown that’s see-thru, she can only wear when the kids are in bed and she feels like lounging in underwires and shiny, cold satin. That would be a very realistic commercial. Really.

To James’ credit, one Christmas he did give me diamond earrings. It was the Christmas Owen was a baby. Sort of a delayed Push Present maybe? If I remember correctly, I had a sinus infection and bronchitis that Christmas, which I did pretty much every Christmas the children were little. I didn’t have make up on, I was in some kind of fuzzy jammies with teapots on them, and had one of those heated rice pack thingys on my head to relieve the sinus pressure. I think I asked him to turn OFF the video camera as to NOT document this moment in history since we didn’t want to traumatize our children in the future should they happen to find the tape and see mommy with suitcases under her eyes, no voice, and heat pads on her head. No makeup, no white mohair sweater. nada. zip.

It’s okay. I’m not bitter or anything. Really.

There’s more to Christmas presents than jewelry and luxury automobiles. There’s gifts that can’t be bought in stores. They’re made with love and glue. Lots of glue.

When I unwrap one of those gifts that the kids make in class with their school picture hanging in a foamy wreath, or a  pipe cleaner tree, THOSE are the ones that make my eyes well up with tears.

I’ll take those over diamonds and German engineering any year.

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  1. Gin Treadwell-Eng says:

    You are too funny! But it’s true- the commercials are ridiculous and the majority of us will never experience Christmases of cars wrapped in big red bows and jewelry hanging on the tree! ( big sigh) Oh Well!

  2. Christopher Tipper says:


    I must admit it took about the 100th time I saw the Kay’s commercial to get their stupid inside joke.

    But, back to German engineering. So much of what we see is aspirational, not logical. I’m not sure if I’m hoping more for the day when I can do that to my little wifey or for the day to come when she can do that for me.

    I do remember one of our first Christmases – way before kids. We had about a 25 cent Christmas budget. So I sent her on a scavenger hunt throughout the house looking for the next riddle to lead her to the next riddle. I’ve no idea what the present finally turned out to be. I just remember it was a good Christmas.

    Which leads me to the following idea. If I ever to get to give her expensive German engineering on Christmas morning, I guess I’ll just have to send her on a treasure hunt for the key. No?


    • Bro,
      that is a very good idea. Hope you get to do that one year!

    • I wouldn’t scoff at the new Mercedes if it did actually happen. Even better if it was delivered while I was Christmasing in Rothenberg.

  3. Would it be acceptable to put a diamond ring on top of a new Lexus?

  4. Omg, we should totally film a bunch of fake commercials of women going gaga over realstic gifts. You had me at dearfoam slippers!!

  5. Ov Glove or Ped Egg…….haha…….hilarious and about right! One year I seriously got a Chia pet. At least it was the tree shape……….