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Housework while naked

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Recently I told readers on my Facebook page that I clean the shower while I’m taking a shower. I thought that was a weird trait of mine.

Over 50 people commented to say they do the very same thing! So either you guys are just as weird as me, or the Good Housewife’s Manual forgot to write a chapter on naked housework.

Here I thought I was so extraordinary, so special, to be the kind of person that takes my cleaning products into the shower with me. But no! Apparently, it’s a THING.

Sure that’s just a small sampling of people. But just think, I bet there’s thousands of us women, taking in our scrub brushes, grout toothbrushes, Scrubbing Bubbles, Magic Erasers, into the shower with us. Our spouses should be so jealous of that hunky Mr. Clean.

I even learned a few cleaning tricks to help improve my cleaning experience. Fill a spray bottle with Dawn mixed with water and it works better than the bleachy fumy stuff. I will try this.

If you’ve read about my shower escapades in the past (such as this post here) , I’m not a fan of sexy shower time. It’s dangerous, someone could get hurt, and it’s just NOT sexy if you ask me. Not in my tiny, grimy shower stall anyway.

Back to cleaning in the shower.

I’m sure it’s not pretty to see me hunched down with a raggedy old tooth brush trying to get the black moldy crud out of the door track with my conditioning hair mask  on my head and my cucumber exfoliating mask on my face and I’m naked. No special sexy lighting here. Just, well, yeah…

This lead me to wonder what other chores I could/should do naked. And the list was short. Very short. Like, this was the ONLY chore I will ever do naked. Here’s a list of chores I will NEVER do naked:

Frying Bacon. Do I even need to explain this one? I get grease splatters on my arm and midsection enough when frying ANYTHING so I will not be exposing my tender nethers to this task.

Cleaning the oven. We all know the dangers and horror stories of cleaning an oven and how housewives have been found asphyxiated by the fumes of oven cleaner. Can you imagine cleaning your oven naked only for the first responders to come to your house and you’re sprawled out naked? Ew.

Boiling noodles. I’m terrified of spilling boiling water on myself, pets, or kids. I’ve heard terrible stories of children burned from a mom carrying a boiling pot of noodles to the sink to strain and the child getting under foot and then having to be airlifted due to their injuries. Yes, I’m dramatic and have a vivid imagination.

Washing windows. I plan on not giving any voyeurs in my neighborhood more than an eyeful, so yeah. No explanation needed there.

Folding laundry. This just in: I asked Emma what chores I shouldn’t do naked. She came up with folding laundry because she says she doesn’t want me to fold her shirts against my naked chest. My boobs are germ free, I’m not sure what her problem is. Oh well.

Bathing the cat. The cat doesn’t enjoy getting washed. Der. So I would risk a nip slice from his Wolverine-like claws. We don’t want that.

Cleaning the gutters. I can’t imagine a more disgusting job, let alone doing it naked there has to be risk of catching some sort of venereal disease. I don’t know if venereal disease harbors in gutter muck, but I’m not taking any chances.

So there you go. McSweetie is already disappointed that I have made it clear there will not be any more chores naked.

I can only do so much folks.

I’m off to go scoop a cat box. Clothed!!




Mom on Strike

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Dear Family,

This is not the NFL. No replacement refs here. No SCABS.

When you wake up in the morning, get your own damn waffle. You can reach the toaster.

Pack your lunch.

When you can’t find your socks, look in the drawer. Or the dryer, or the hamper. Have you ran the washing machine? It’s not magic, it doesn’t run on its own. Oh and don’t just load the blasted thing, put that shit in the dryer, then FOLD. IT. Yep. Guess what? Folding and putting the laundry away is THE BORING part. Uh huh. You may think ‘you’re all that’, putting them dirty clothes in the machine. But that don’t make you a hero.
The battle is in the taking those socks, making them into sock balls. Taking t-shirts that are inside out and putting them right side in.  Or out. Whatever. Oh dear GOD how does every motha fuckin’ shirt get inside out in the wash??? I don’t take off my shirts and put them over my head like that. Is that necessary?

Okay, moving on.

Garbage on the floor. Throw away your own furkin’ wrappers, kleenexes, band-aids, used ones especially, popsicle sticks, gogurt tubes…. oh my gads, is this a frat house??? Throw away all toe nail clippings. I shouldn’t have to ask you twice.

After dinner, if I’m at a PTA meeting, you know one of the many things I do for free, don’t just pile up the dishes on the counter over the dishwasher. Put them IN it. Put the pans in the sink. Put away any leftover food in the refrigerator. Oh, and this is big, WIPE. OFF. THE. COUNTERS. I know it’s hard. It can be yucky. What, all those crumbs and spills. Yeah, disgusting.

If I make the danged dinner, least you can do is clean up after it.

All your clothes and random belongings need to go up to your room. That means all of you. I’m tired of looking at your thermals, hoodies and soccer shoes. Why are there always socks in the family room? Hair accessories are the same. Do they multiply like bunnies? Why are there always bobby pins and hair elastics in every room of the house?

If you have a dish in a room of the house, other than the kitchen, put it away. I don’t want to find your milk glass in your bedroom two weeks later.

Toilet paper needs to be replaced on the roll. How many times do I have to say this? If you are using the last roll, go get several more from the bathroom cupboard.

If you use the last milk, go into the garage fridge, and get the next carton.

All tools need to be returned to their proper place. That means a roll of tape goes back in the office. A hammer goes back in the garage.

Please don’t leave Nerf weapons randomly on the stairs. Someone will trip over them. Okay, I will trip over them.

Now that we have that established, I think I’ll go to the spa, and then eat bonbons watching an entire season of Boardwalk Empire on DVD from the library.

Someone call for pizza.

The most random post ever- but also back to school stuff.

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Right now my brain is like Steven Tyler’s testicles. I can’t imagine there is anything going on in there that makes sense or hasn’t been deadened by drugs. Oh wait- I don’t do drugs… so there proves my randomness. My brain is healthy, not some 70 year old’s scrotum sac.

The kids go back to school tomorrow. It’s a gorgeous day outside. I’m feeling a writer’s block. Or maybe I’m just constipated. I can’t tell which.

There’s the angel on my shoulder saying, “Those sweet children are off in the world again. Getting on that school bus to an instution of their peers and authorities that will shape their minds and mold them towards their future.”

Then there’s the devil on my other shoulder saying, “Sweet cheese and rice,  those urchins are outta here! Let’s watch Vampire Diaries and throw away all their shit!”

Well, it’s going to be a combination of the two.

I’m going to watch some Vampire Diaries. A guilty pleasure of mine, okay, not so guilty, that I will not let Emma watch. Yes, she gets away with a lot of things on Youtube and movies (I’ve let her watch Bridesmaids with me and she cracked up, don’t judge) but, the sex and crazed adolescence of Vampire Diaries is something I’d  like to preserve her innocence of for a little while longer.

I am going to clean under their beds and in their closets. The 12 year old still has bins of Polly Pockets and Littlest Pet Shop in her closet. Not to mention the oodles and oodles of Bitty Baby clothing and American Girl accessories. Those will all go in sacred storage. When she moves out, I will have a  room in the house dedicated to dolls and cats so I will bring it out of storage for display. McSweetie doesn’t know this yet- but it’s going to happen. Therefore I’m keeping all things American Girl. Okay, I’m not really going to have a room dedicated to dolls. I’m keeping them for my future grandchildren. I will be having more cats though. This is certain.

Where was I…. oh yes, Steven Tyler’s balls… no wait… not that. Oh yeah, kids back to school.

SO this is how it’s going to go. The kids will go back to school. I will get some light house work done. I will watch whatever the fuck I want to on TV and not have to tolerate Spongebob, Adventure Time or Gravity Falls. I will get a Frappuccino at Starbucks and lick the whipped cream off by myself and not have to share it. I will go to the store, Target, Sephora, Whole Foods… whatever… and take my own sweet damn time. No whining, no begging. None of that. Only I can whine or beg. With myself.

So here’s some pics of my sweet chillins’  off to school years ago:

This is my list of things to do this week:

Namaste bitches.

Magic Mom the Music Video

I’ve done it again. I’ve created movie magic in the name of my blog.

I was inspired by my amazing ability to find things in plain sight for my family members. It truly is magic. I’m like a fucking magician every blessed day.

So I got out my magic wand (okay, it’s Owen’s wand from his Harry Potter costume- just go with it) and performed some magic tricks. Set to music- of course!!

And just keep in mind, it is meant to be completely ridiculous- Jay Z, I am not.

Enjoy. (sorry friends, this will not load to mobile devices due to YouTube copyright laws. I don’t make the rules, I just play by them. Please go to a laptop or something and watch, ‘mkay?)

Magic Mom Music Video