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Taking your kids shoe shopping is worth a diamond tennis bracelet as a reward.

I’m feeling under the weather. My throat is a little gluey. My head hurts. My body is tired and a little achy. I started on my 8 week work out plan for Hawaii this week. I got one day down, and then I already skipped working out yesterday because I didn’t feel well. Blech.

Before the kids went to school, I promised them a trip to the mall after school. Why in THEE hell did I do that??

I tried coaxing them with cookies and movies to stay home, but it was fruitless. They wanted to go to the blessed damned mall and nothing was going to change their mind.

So I pulled myself up from my bra straps and brushed the crumpet crumbs off my pajama jeans and slapped some mascara on and brushed my hair. I threw on a sweatshirt- oh this chick was pulling out all the stops- I mean, pajama jeans AND a Target sweatshirt? It’s like Kate Middleton at Ascot. PFFT. I was sick dammit.

So we check out a couple stores the kids wanted to look at. Got some frozen yogurt. Do you know they have cake batter flavored frozen yogurt? I didn’t get any because of the no-dairy thing, but I had a taste of theirs. Holy crap, it tastes like CAKE BATTER! Minus the risk of salmonella.

We head to Nordstrom to see if there’s any shoes for them. Owen is in desperate need of some. He’s gone through the bottoms of his Nikes he wears every day and the cheapo Payless Shoes have already started to tear at the rubber parts, even though he got them 3 weeks ago.

It took over an hour to sit there and have them pick out what style and size they needed. Both kids are uber foot sensitive when it comes to shoes and socks. Only certain socks will do. Only certain shoes will do. So the sales gal brought a half dozen pairs out at a time and they took turns running around the shoe department. You know, to really test them out. Honestly, I didn’t even care at this point how much they cost. It’s not like we were in Burberry or Gucci, or something, I wasn’t too worried. The goal was to get shoes they could wear every day and not complain. Or end up with bunions in their teen years.

So I’m sitting there on the couch and I look over at these two adorable kids. No, not mine. These OTHER two adorable kids. I’m guessing around ages 3 and 6. The little girl was older, long blond hair, glittery TOMS flats, and a cowlneck, sweater tunic (Oh, it’s 50 degrees here and raining, we’re all freezing while the rest of the world is enjoying summer, so that wasn’t strange to me at all.) Her little brother was also in TOMS and some little denim jacket and twill pants and little shirt- we are talking styling. Not the ripped jeans and Old Navy t-shirts my kids were wearing. And then the mom. She was tall, about 5’10” or so, THIN, size 2 maybe, heels, skinny jeans, cute little top, perfectly coiffed hair, make up, nice hand bag. I was staring. Yeah, me in my pajama jeans and sweatshirt. I’m just staring at this mom and her two kids browse the shoe department. How the fuck do they look so perfect? This woman better have some secret addiction to eating her toenail clippings or drinking nail polish. Because just looking at her was irritating as hell.

There I sat, like a lumpy, dumpy ass. Ugh, then I saw my reflection in the mirrored column and THAT didn’t help. Cuz that’s when I remembered I didn’t put on any makeup, minus the mascara I slapped on. I look at Emma and raise my eyebrows in a signal like, ‘look over there’. She does and picks up on my cues. She mouths to me, ‘YOU LOOK FINE’.

GOOD LORD– she knew what I was thinking! Clearly she saw it too. Not feeling well didn’t help either.

And this isn’t about always knowing that I need to look red carpet worthy. I KNOW it’s what’s on the inside that counts. And that I can whip my way through party conversation and reenact skits of Saturday Night Live that has my girlfriend’s peeing in their yoga pants. That my worth is more than my jean’s size.ย  But this woman’s appearance on that day and that time caught me at a weak point. And I hated it.

We wrapped up our shopping excursion. And I was exhausted and starving. So we did what any self deprecating mom does. Ordered Mexican for take out and went home to stuff my face with guacamole. I only ate half, just so you know.

In the car, Owen says, “Thanks mom for the shoes and taking us shopping. And thanks for being our mom.” Then Emma says, “yeah, thanks for the shoes, and for birthing us. You know- out your butt and all.” Then they laugh and high-five each other. And I start laughing too.

Take that, Skinny Jeans Nordstrom Size 2 Mom.


How I felt I looked like at the mall.

How the other mom looked at the mall.

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  1. I’ll bet that other mom can’t make me laugh so hard I pee in my yoga pants. I choose you.

  2. Oh!! This is my daily struggle – to stop feeling frumpy and comparing myself and my life to others who seem to have things so perfect. It’s funny you mention the little girl with the TOMS because yesterday we were at the car wash getting my father’s car cleaned out and while waiting there was a woman there, pregnant with twins (I overheard in her phone convo) and her life was just amazing compared to ours. The first thing I noticed about her was her TOMS. I went from feeling fine to feeling like total ass as I sat there eavesdropping on her conversation. Her husband sent her to visit her family in Seattle while my husband could care less if I ever see any of my family again. Her mother in law and sister in law are throwing her a huge baby shower while my MIL and SIL hate me so vehemently and they are apparently going to openly tell everyone they know just to make my life miserable. At the culminating point, she told her friend they just moved out of the town homes across the street from where we live to a different area of town “because there are some safety issues there and I just couldn’t live with myself having the twins in that environment.” It’s true, there have been some breaking lately but when I talked about that with my husband he simply said “so what.”

    of course then when the car was done, we got in and I felt like total crap but then Alexis asked if we could have some “major snuggle time” when we got home so I felt a little better. The thing about it is that no one’s life is perfect. Just because they look perfect or act perfect on the outside does not mean that this is what they are. In fact, in my experience, it’s the ones who look and act so perfect that are the most dysfunctional. Sadly, despite knowing this, I know how hard that is to keep in perspective when confronted with skinny jeans and glitter TOMS. In any event, I’m sure you looked way hotter in your pajama jeans anyway haha

    • *break ins …why oh why must I never proofread?

    • I know how hard that is to keep in perspective when confronted with skinny jeans and glitter TOMS. – great line!!!!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I can just picture the woman you describe! Obviously she isn’t ALL THAT, if she’s got so many SIL and MIL issues. PFFT. I usually hear the kind of phrase in my neighborhood about, ‘oh, your daughter goes to THAT middle school’. Like it’s the ghetto or something. Often families pull their kids out during the middle school years to send them to private school since they feel the middle school either, isn’t that great, or the whole adolescent environment is too impressionable.
      You never can find perfect people, but sometimes, I just wish I looked that cute in those damned skinny jeans!! Or went shopping in heels! Who does that?? Don’t your feet get tired running around after your kids??
      Snuggle time is the best- that’s really what it’s all about. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • “The thing about it is that no oneโ€™s life is perfect. Just because they look perfect or act perfect on the outside does not mean that this is what they are. In fact, in my experience, itโ€™s the ones who look and act so perfect that are the most dysfunctional. ”

      I so agree with that. I am a skinny, size 2 mom and sometimes I bother to put makeup on and brush my hair instead of rocking the ponytail. Sometimes I even bother to wear something on my feet besides old navy flipflops. On those rare occasions, I may look like that “perfect” mom but just like Heather says above, I am so not perfect. I don’t have my shit together and I’m entirely dysfunctional even though I can manage to look put together sometimes. We all have our days.

  3. What are pajama jeans? I loved your story and your kids sound amazing. ๐Ÿ™‚ You ARE a nice mom for taking them to get shoes (when you don’t feel well, even) and birthing them!!!! Too cute.

  4. Kanerva says:

    Pajama jeans: I want to know too! If they are as comfy as they sound, where can I find them?! And TOMS? Never heard of them either. Are they in the same league as VANS?!

    As for super skinny, perfect hair nails etc etc… yeah they are everywhere. I used to think that it would be nice JUST ONCE to be that mum. Now, I’ll take the spontaneity over looking like I’ve just been through a make over – my family would run screaming from the house if I ever managed that look!

    • TOMS are shoes they give one pair to charity for every pair you buy. It’s become almost a status thing to have them. They keep getting fancier and more expensive too. So I’m not sure if it’s to do good, or just show off.
      Sometimes I feel strange being all made up going out during the day. Like a spotlight saying look at me- but then I hate those frumpy schlumpy days. I just can’t win!!
      Thanks for reading. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. Ha! That ice cream flavor is really good… almost worth paying for with a diamond bracelet. Because let’s face it, ice cream and guacamole is way more enjoyable than looking perfect…

  6. erinpatrick says:

    Rebecca, that was so funny! I’ve been in that exact situation a few times myself. I can just see your daughter mouthing, “You look fine” to you! Did you get your diamond tennis bracelet? Great post and I got a great laugh!

    • Thank you. Nope, no jewelry this time. My husband rolled his eyes at the title. He knows I’m always asking for baubles, but rarely get any! Glad you enjoyed it.

  7. LOL! I LOVE the way you write. Sooo fun.

    P.S. My mom is taking my sister’s five girls shoe shopping today. I need to send her a link to this post so she can read it when she gets home ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. One tired mama says:

    Yep, I’m right there with you!

  9. I feel like this all the time. Only it’s always with people I know. I’m just running to the store because I’m in the middle of baking something, I look like crap, I have no make up on, then my friend with 3 kids shows up looking like Angelina freaking Jolie. So frusterating. It’s nice that your kids were able to get a vibe from your feelings and were so sweet to you at the end of the shopping trip.

  10. If I ever am at the mall all glammed up I must be on my way to or from someplace else…I cannot shop in heels!!! =^O

  11. kenyagjohnson says:

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!! I do my frumpy shopping from the comfort of my computer. My son NEVER wants to go shopping even if it is for himself. It’s so much easier to let him pick out shoes from Zappos. It is rare that we have to send anything back.

    • We do online shopping too, but both my kids love to shop!! Shoe shopping is almost 100% in person- they are just so picky about what goes on their feet. Thanks for reading!

  12. Dude, I really want your green frog slippers. And I’d rather be around people who can make me laugh anyway.

  13. LOL! Girl don’t you know you don’t go to Nordstroms looking like crap because you will feel worse when you leave! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Happened to me before!
    At least your kids want to keep you – that counts for something right?

  14. Kate Middleton is a girl with a cyborgs body. Fear not. Real women are bettah!

  15. cool kids. continue…

  16. Adelle Sermersheim says:

    Diamond bracelets are great because ladies adore them. I always give my girlfriend some diamond bracelet during her birthday and also on our anniversary. ‘:;;.

    Have a great day!